on sharing about my gender experience

It’s possible that at least a piece of this blog project will be a coming-out project.

I feel like there’s a hunger to share about my gender experience.

I have a lot of resistance to doing that. I’ve fallen into a habit of saying that I don’t have any secrets about it, but this is no longer true. It was true, when I started saying it. But the things I haven’t talked about, as I’ve gone through this journey, have built up over time. I’ve grown silent. I’ve let the silence speak for me. And the silence sometimes makes up shit that isn’t true.

It’s hard, because it’s a story that doesn’t have a beginning. I’m sure it doesn’t really have an end, either.

Part of me just really wants to know: What do you want to know about my gender experience?
And part of me is tired of having other people’s questions define my journey, my space, my identity.

How do we make ourselves our own?

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4 Responses to on sharing about my gender experience

  1. Adrian says:

    while this is very much influenced by judith butler, i always wonder if we can ever completely make ourselves “our own.” because some of who we are *is* influenced by other people’s questions, by how they view us, by our love for others. and i’ve yet to find a way around that. sometimes we are beside ourselves, outside of ourselves, for others. so part of the question becomes how we deal with the parts of ourselves that aren’t our own. for me, changing some of my outward presentation has changed how people react to me, and in a way, allowed me to handle those defining questions. or at least change what gets asked.

  2. choirqueer says:

    Adrian, do you find that the questions change to better questions? Or just to different questions?

  3. Adrian says:

    in some ways they are absolutely better questions. my experience has been one of joyfully unfolding myself. they are also different. but sometimes if the questions you are asked are not the questions you want, i try to stop and think of different responses. that, too, can change the course.

  4. phoenix says:

    I had to find a way to make myself my own too. It’s an ongoing process. (Hence the name…)
    In trying to be protective, my mother established all kinds of taboos about the body and sex and gender. I never learned the words to refer to my own body. Thus, I was not in control. I had immense psychological problems resulting from that – it was impossible for me to voice my concerns, my wants, my needs, my fears, simply because I could not utter the words. Even now, after a decade or more, most words I could use in my own first language feel alien to me, and I still feel very awkward about myself (and my looks, and my desires) at times. But I’ve come a long way, and the journey is not finished yet.
    I’m also often quite silent about things (which is weird because I do talk a lot). Maybe I have to develop a feeling for the right time and context.
    Thanks for sharing, choirqueer. I just found this new blog of yours and I already like it.

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